Bear in mind this is the 21^st century. Also that I’ve been working with grievers for over 5 years now so this concept isn’t new. Yet for some reason there is this view of the funeral industry that seems to be stuck in the Victorian era.

What is it about our society that something as natural and inevitable as dying is still such a taboo topic? We sit in cinemas and watch Hollywood’s new and inventive ways to kill people off. We watch the news headlines and shake our heads at the latest tragedy. We’re not strangers to death – in that sense we talk about death all the time so why is the business of dealing with death so tricky?

When I first mention the show there is astonishment. “Really? A funeral show? Isn’t that, well, a bit miserable?”

They seem almost disappointed when I point out that this sector is just like any other sector – a trade show is a great chance to see new products, meet suppliers and network.

What I found on visiting the show was a friendly environment, lots of professionals genuinely keen to help “their families” (rarely were the terms clients or customers used which I find refreshing) and some really intriguing products.

I have no idea what the industry can do to help bring about a change in attitudes but it does need to change if we’re all to get the funeral that is best able to reflect the person we’re mourning.

Wandering around the show I discovered beautiful cardboard ashes boxes. This would have been perfect for my husband’s ashes as he was scattered in the river that flows past my house. The problem is at the time I had no idea that such things existed. I got a standard urn from the funeral director because he didn’t tell me any other options were available. Floating a beautiful box from the stone bridge upstream would have been much more dignified. (On the other hand it would have robbed me of the story about brushing him off when we got home in fits of giggles despite checking with for wind direction…)

So I’m pleased there are FD’s out at events like the NFE – hopefully their clients will get the best advice for them in finding the right components for their farewell ritual.

If you were at the NFE (National Funeral Exhibition) or if you weren’t please add any comments or questions below.

Here’s my mini guide for How to write a sympathy card  or similar

Do

Write it out on rough paper first. Even if you think you know what to say putting it down on paper first will help you realise if it looks OK written down and if it will fit in the space available. If it doesn’t fit include a note with the card as well.

Read it aloud from your rough draft – sometimes what seems good in your head doesn’t work when read by another. Hearing it aloud can help you work out why not.

Write from the heart. If you tell the truth about how you feel this will come across. That doesn’t mean I’m suggesting you disclose a “warts & all” history that most likely would be inappropriate. It does mean expressing genuine thoughts and feelings.

Include a fond memory of the person who died. Stories about a shared occasion or even a shared moment help reassure the bereft that their loved one will not be forgotten.

Use “I imagine” or “ I can’t imagine” to express empathy. For example “I can’t begin to imagine how much you miss John”. There is something very non-threatening about the word imagine, it allows you to express the truth without imposing your feelings on them.

Write clearly. A griever will almost certainly have a reduced ability to concentrate, and possibly will be reading your message through tears. Don’t make their life harder still with barely legible writing.

Don’t

Rely on the printed message – make it personal.

Simply sign your first name – how many people called Dave/Sarah or whoever did this person know?

Assume that the loss is in anyway a good thing or a blessing ie. Don’t say “at least he’s free from pain” or similar.

Assume that the loss is less because the person was older or had been ill for a long time. Loss is loss.

Make comparisons – “I know how you feel” is not only untruthful – you really don’t know – it assumes the loss is comparible which it isn’t as all loss is unique.

Tell them what to do or how to feel e.g. “Don’t cry – he wouldn’t want you to”

If you have any good or bad experiences with condolence cards please do comment below or come and talk to me at stand B5h at the National Funeral Exhibition 7-9 June 2013.

Do Go First. As the adult you’re the leader

Do Tell the truth about how you feel. Telling the truth about your own grief and about how you feel will establish a tone of trust and make your child feel safe in opening up about his or her own feelings.

Do Recognise that grief is emotional , not intellectual and that sad or scared feelings are normal. Avoid the trap of asking your child what is wrong for he will automatically say “nothing”.

Do Listen with your heart not your head. Allow all emotions to be expressed without judgment, criticism or analysis.

Do Remember that each child is unique and has a unique relationship to the loss.

Do be patient. Don’t force your child to talk. Give your child time. Make sure to plant healthy ideas about talking about feelings.

Don’t say “don’t feel scared.” Fear is a common and normal response

Don’t say “don’t feel sad” Sadness is a healthy and normal reaction. Sadness and fear, the two most common feelings attached to loss of any kind, are essential to being human.

Don’t ask your children how they are feeling. Like adults, fearful of being judged, may automatically say “I’m fine” even though they are not.

When Children Grieve by John James & Russell Friedman

Don’t act strong for your children. They will interpret your “non-feeling” as something they are supposed to copy.

Don’t compare their lives or situations to others in the world. Comparison always minimises feelings.

Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Instead of saying “everything is going to be OK” say “we’ll do everything we can to be safe.”

Don’t forget that your children are very smart. Treat them and their feelings with respect and dignity as you would like to be treated by others.

If you would like to know more about helping your child deal with loss then you might find “When Children Grieve” by John & Russell helpful.

This morning my trigger for this blog was a trailer for the 3D version of the Pixar film “Monsters Inc”. I already love this film. Spoiler Alert! If you haven’t seen it then you might want to stop reading here. It’s an amusing story of the Monsters that live under the bed and come out at night to scare children. In their world power is generated by capturing children’s screams. However, they eventually discover that laughter – happiness is a much more powerful energy source.

This set me thinking. I’ve watched quite a few presentations and webinars and read books about the secrets of success when Pixar put it much more succinctly. When you base your world on love rather than fear you will be far more powerful.

As we get older and we’ve experienced heart break more than once, experienced failure more than once it is not surprising that we start to operate from fear. We stick at jobs we hate for fear of not being able to pay the bills; we stay in wrong relationships for fear of being alone or from the fear of causing hurt to others and we start new ones with the fear of being hurt ourselves. Sadly all this achieves is more fear, more loneliness and lack of fulfilment.

By letting go of fear, by realising that the past does not control the future unless we choose to let it and operating from a position of love things start to work much more effectively. When we do something we love we become motivated & effective so the rewards follow. When we enter a new relationship with the expectation of love rather than hurt it has a real chance of being successful.

When I first read the Grief Recovery Handbook 5 years ago I hoped it would help me heal from a huge emotional loss. I had no idea that it would lead me to a way of living that brings genuine contentment, a successful growing business doing something I love passionately and the ability to embrace a new relationship with an open, whole heart. The difference is that unlike all those books and webinars this little book gives you step by step instructions on how to get there.

If you have some observations about this article please do comment below

As always if you have any comments please feel go ahead and add them. Thanks.

Carole  

For years he was my best friend.  I didn’t make friends easily and was frequently bullied at school. Tiger helped soothe the pain. When I was 16 he was 12 and very old for a cat in those days. The day came when his health had deteriorated to the extent that my parents decided to have him put down.

I was devastated. Not only was this my best friend but I’d never experienced loss through death before. All my grandparents were gone long before I was born so this was a new and terrible experience for me; made worse because the soul I was used to confiding hurt to was the one that wasn’t there anymore. Reactions at school were pretty much as I expected. “oh that’s a shame – are you getting another one?”

This idea that when we lose something unique and valuable the immediate solution should be to replace it is one of the most harmful notions surrounding loss in our society. Yet this reaction is not confined to loss of a pet. How many times have you heard “oh well plenty more fish in the sea” when telling someone about a relationship breakup? Young widows will often be told “ah you’re young you can remarry”.  For the receiver of this “wisdom “ the reaction is one of hurt and anger not relief.  Most of us have been on the receiving end of this thoughtless cliché in one form or another but somehow, even though the concept is hurtful, it perpetuates.

Animals are unique individuals that love us almost unconditionally. As long as we look after their basic needs of food, water and shelter they’ll give unquestioning love in return – for longer than many human relationships last! They don’t criticise us or nag or have a raised eyebrow when we wear that old comfy jumper. A relationship with a pet can be the most important in someone’s life yet even in this so called nation of animal lovers when that pet dies and we’re bereft we get scant or no support.

Feeling lonely and missing the presence of the beloved pet many people rush out to replace the loss only to find they don’t love the new animal in the same way. Then they feel guilty for not loving the new pet. But of course it is impossible to replace a unique relationship – even if the new furry creature is physically identical – it has its own individuality and deserves to be loved in its own right.

By acknowledging the loss of a companion and allowing ourselves to grieve and say goodbye to them we can free ourselves to love again. What I love about the Grief Recovery Method is that it teaches  us not to discriminate by type of loss. Pain is pain. It is felt at 100% intensity at the time of the pain.  By following the actions described in the Grief Recovery Handbook I’ve not only completed the losses in my human relationships but my animal ones too, allowing me to open my heart and let Barney in.

The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W James and Russell Friedman can be brought online or found in many libraries. It is not in bookshops in the UK yet. Carole Batchelor is the director of Grief Recovery (UK) and can be contacted on 01234 862218. carole@grief-recovery.co.uk

If you have any questions about pet loss or want to comment on this article please add them below, thanks

Carole

Seeing my quizzical look she explained – you know that expression “when life gives you lemons make lemonade” Well you always seem to be able to find the positive in any situation.  That set me thinking.

Many of us have piles of lemons life has thrown at us but lemonade isn’t just made of lemon. You also need water & sugar. Even then you don’t have lemonade, you have a pile of ingredients. In order to get lemonade you need to take actions – juicing the lemons, dissolving the sugar in water, combining it all in a jug and refrigerating.  Simple enough actions but actions none the less.

What about those lemons that life threw at us years ago, that we decided to try to ignore. We put them in a cupboard in our minds where they’ve been getting mouldier and more rancid every day. It would be impossible to make lemonade from these so what to do? Clearly the only thing to do is get rid of them! Clean out our internal store cupboard, so that it no longer harbours rotten lemons that are slowly poisoning our entire life.

The Grief Recovery Method taught me that it is possible to clean house even in a blizzard of in-coming lemons. Dealing with the unresolved grief in my heart allowed me to once again fully participate in life, rather than drift along merely existing.  Grief Recovery means taking the correct actions, rather than waiting passively for time to pass. As we’ve already mentioned time alone results in mould not refreshment. Life still throws me lemons. Sometimes they come in thick and fast but now I’ve learned the actions I need to take and I can cope.

The Grief Recovery actions can be learned by reading the Grief Recovery handbook available from this site or from your local library. But remember, reading the method may wake up your taste buds but actually completing the actions in the recipe gets you the refreshment you need.

Carole Batchelor is a Grief Recovery Specialist and Director of Grief Recovery (UK). She can be reached on 01234 862218 or carole@grief-recovery.co.uk

Many people will noticing a person shaped hole in their heart many years after the loss.

Equally whether or not you celebrate Christmas the fear of any approaching Celebration can be equally stressful. So what can you do?

Firstly it’s a good idea to have a plan. Putting your head down and hoping to wake up in mid January sadly isn’t going to work. If you have children then include them in making the plans. Be honest when talking to them – express how sad you are that Mum/Dad/Grandma/Uncle won’t be there and that it’s going to be very different. Ask them what they want to do to acknowledge how much they miss them and also what they want to keep or change about your family traditions. If there is something that is very special to you that you want to do or not do explain this too. Your feelings are equally important as theirs.

It is essential that you are honest with them. We teach our children to always tell the truth so when we attempt to cover up our feelings and put a brave face on our body language gives us away and they get confused. Even small children can sense when they are being deceived. However, you need to be cautious. Being honest doesn’t mean that you should turn your children into your carer or surrogate spouse. So even though you can be honest, you need to gently discourage them from taking care of you. Yes, it’s a little subtle to do both, but you’ll be able to know how to do that.

It’s also a good idea to have a plan b or escape route. If you suddenly find you don’t want to be somewhere then being unable to leave because you’ve had a drink or are otherwise trapped can make a bad feeling so much worse. If you’re spending time with extended family make sure that you explain that you might need to escape to a spare room every now and again without worrying about being interrogated about where you’ve been.

Avoid spending too much time alone, as grievers we tend to isolate because we quickly learn that most people aren’t “safe” to talk to. They try to fix us or make inane remarks that might be intellectually true but are emotionally useless. In the early days of being widowed I had a little mantra in my head which went “hear the intent not the content” which I’m sure meant quite a few people went unharmed that otherwise would’ve been slapped!

Isolation impedes recovery. We need others around us to share our thoughts and feelings with and yes to share new experiences that can become new happy memories.

The plot centred on a troubled spirit that was out to enact revenge on Arthur for leading the raid that killed him and his family. Instead of trying to battle it, Arthur set out to explain his actions and apologised with sincerity. The spirit listened carefully but remained in possession of one of Arthurs knights until he said “I forgive you”. He was then able to leave peacefully and move on to the next world. It was uttering the forgiveness that set him free – not hearing the apology for the wrongs.

The definition of forgiveness in the dictionary is to “cease to feel resentment against.”  However, I prefer the version used in the Grief Recovery Handbook “forgiveness is giving up hope of a different or better yesterday”.

Neither of those definitions suggests condoning an offence yet most people mix these two concepts together. If someone has done something that hurts you and then disappears from your life either by going away or by dying then you are left with the hurt. Barring miracles you will never hear an apology from a dead person, most living people aren’t going to apologise either leaving you in torment a bit like that fictional spirit I mentioned earlier.

Russell Friedman, co-author of the Grief Recovery Handbook often is heard to say “forgiveness is like sobriety, you can’t feel it until you do it”.

As the person carrying around the pain, refusing to forgive simply means you get to keep the pain. The offender lives life oblivious. We would never suggest you forgive someone to their face. Chances are it’ll be received as an attack and cause new problems, of course in the case of someone who died it’s impossible to deliver face to face forgiveness.  However, forgiving that person out loud to another human being has the desired effect of setting you free from the hurt.

If you want to find out how to go about this & more about this concept then I recommend reading the Grief Recovery handbook, taking the actions described on your own or with help from a Grief Recovery Specialist will help you set your spirit free.