How many times have you heard one of the following?
“It’s really time you should move on, get on with your life.”
“You should really go out and meet people.”
“Don’t worry, there are plenty of other fish in the sea.”
“What’s in the past is in the past. Stop dwelling on it.”
Even though this is well-intentioned advice, it’s rarely very helpful – if we could move on, most of us would have done it long ago! Here are four reasons why we tend to remain stuck after the end of a relationship.
"please don't think that by recovering you're dishonouring their memory"
Dec 5th 2017 was a normal evening in the Baxter household. Well that's what Mandy, wife to Vince and Mum to 3 children thought, oblivious to what was to come the next day. The following day when Vince didn't come home from work was the first inkling that something was wrong. Tragically Vince, her husband of almost 30 years, soulmate and best friend had taken his own life and her world was torn apart. The shock and disbelief was massive, yet very quickly Mandy realised she needed help - she had no idea how to begin to support their kids and being a woman of action she began to research.
As people around the world celebrate International Pride Month, it’s a great opportunity to shed light on some of the issues facing the LGBTQ community in terms of grief and loss.
From the very beginning, many people report the loss of identity that occurs when questioning their sexuality or realising that they have an identity other than the heterosexual one that is usually expected by their parents and the society at large. Furthermore, there may be a loss of hopes, dreams and expectations when realising that marriage and starting a family may be made much more challenging by regulations that do not yet support non-heterosexual couples.
This question is often the topic of debate, as those who have suffered a loss know that their lives will never be the same again. It has also been said that we do not recover from grief, but rather that we learn to live with it over time.
So...what is recovery?
When we refer to recovery in the context of the Grief Recovery Method, we refer to the set of action steps that allow grievers to heal the pain that they are experiencing as the result of a specific loss. We also discuss the myths that our society continues to pass down that can compound the feelings of sadness and isolation that grievers are already experiencing.
Alone on your birthday? Valentine’s Day? New Year's Eve?
Some special days and events are powerful reminders of the fact that someone very important is missing from our life. Valentine's Day, like birthdays and anniversaries, is one of those very special days that can create an immense amount of painful emotional energy.
For those of us who have lost a partner, are looking for love, are divorced, or may not have the relationship of our dreams, the flood of images and sentimental relationship posts on social media may be overwhelming and exacerbate our feelings of loneliness.
I remember vividly within days of my husband Kevin dying being asked about his stuff. Honestly! You would imagine that there would be a whole host of other topics people would ask about before this, but no. Everyone wanted to know "have you done anything about the clothes yet?"
If you are reading this and grieving yourself I bet you will have immediately noticed that these possessions which sat next to his skin have been de-personalised. THE clothes, not his clothes. "The Clothes", as if they are wild animals which left untamed & uncaptured will riot around the house (ie your life) out of control.
So having lived this, discussed this with dozens of other grieving people and read hundreds of accounts of dealing with these wild beasties here is my suggested way to go about it:
Whether you always made a big deal of Father’s Day or it barely raised a mention in your household there is no doubt that this year it will feel like it’s everywhere and unrelenting.
Continual reminders of the life you no longer have, rubbing salt into your wounded heart.
Unfortunately, however much you want to put your head under the duvet and not come out until Tuesday you can’t. You have to continue to be both parents to your kids who also are being bombarded with images of kids playing or bonding with their Dad’s. So what can you do to get through this as best you can?
1) Make it a team effort
Talk to your kids ahead of time to discuss what they’d like to do to mark the day or not mark it at all. Be sure to let them air their ideas and show them you have listened equally you have your say too – if something is going to be too difficult for you it is OK to say so.